Herman Cain’s political career is the 2012 presidential campaign answer to Hansel and Gretel, if instead of bird seed the trail back home was made of Whoppers and 7oz. bottles of Coca-Cola’s Salad Water (also: bring back Coca-Cola’s Salad Water). He made Coke more profitable, he made Burger King a lot more profitable, he made Pillsbury even more mega-stupid-rich than it already was, then he bought Godfather’s Pizza and didn’t really make it do anything. Eight years later he bounced from that shithole with millions of dollars in franchise CEO money in his pocket, a twinkle in his eye and heartburn in his chest.
And now he’s running for president.
Yes, Cain’s career in the food industry is impressive. Politically however he weighs in as a plain ol’ douche, with ties to the Koch Brothers (surprise), anti-abortion activists and an overtly racist advertising agency that made it really easy for college students to make bad jokes at parties for almost a decade. That bastard. With 9-9-9 coming under fire from economists everywhere and his recent ad's newfound status as the new “Friday,” Cain is just shitty enough to make the cut for the big show. And that should scare everybody.